My Favorite Puns
IF GOD HAD WANTED US TO USE THE METRIC SYSTEM HE WOULD HAVE CHOSEN 10 DISCIPLES
WHEN ALGEBRA TEACHERS RETIRE
HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE AFTERMATH?
WHEN I WEAR GLASSES TO MATH CLASS.
IT IMPROVES MY DIVISION.
THE TURKEY CROSSED THE TABLE
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDES.
THE LAST THING FLAT-EARTH-ERS HAVE TO FEAR
IS SPHERE ITSELF.
I for 1 LIKE ROMAN NUMERALS.
I WENT TO A CONCERT FOR 45 CENTS
IT FEATURED 50 CENTS and NICKLEBACK
MY BOSS WANTS TO SIGN ME UP FOR A 401K
NO WAY I’M RUNNING THAT FAR.
A STUDY FOUND THAT 3.14% OF ALL SAILORS
ARE ACTUALLY PIRATES
I POURED MY ROOT BEER INTO A SQUARE CUP,
Now I jUST HAVE BEER
DON’T LET ANYONE CALL YOU AVERAGE.
THATS JUST MEAN
PUNS MAKE ME NUMB
BUT MATH PUNS MAKE ME NUMBER
A COSMETOLOGY STUDENT MISSED CLASS.
THEY WERE FORCED TO MAKE UP A MAKEUP TEST.
DISBARRED LAWYER FINDS NEW WORK AS A SUE CHEF.
BREAK-IN AT THE APPLE STORE.
POLICE LOOKING FOR AN i WITNESSES
IF YOU HATE SPEEDING TICKETS
RAISE YOUR RIGHT FOOT.
OPTOMETRISTS LIVE LONGER
BECAUSE THEY DILATE
Will PEOPLE BUY GLASS COFFINS?
IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
ALASKAN EYE DOCTORS
ARE OPTICAL ALEUTIANS
I PREFER MY KALE WITH A SILENT K
I SAW A BAGUETTE AT THE ZOO
IT WAS BREAD IN THE WILD
I SHOT A MAN WITH A PAINTBALL GUN
JUST TO WATCH HIM DYE.
BUFFALO CHIPS ARE AN ENDANGERED FECES
I SUED THE AIRLINE FOR LOSING MY LUGGAGE.
I LOST MY CASE
TO THE THIEF WHO STOLE MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS
I HOPE YOU ARE ARE HAPPY
THE LAST THING I NEED
IS A BURIAL PLOT.
ORION’S BELT IS A HUGE WAIST OF SPACE.
THIS PUN GOT ONLY 3 STARS.
SOMEONE STOLE MY
STRATEGIC CONQUEST BOARD GAME.
THEY MUST BE A RISK TAKER.
I LOOKED UP OPAQUE.
THE DEFINITION WASN’T VERY CLEAR.
MY FRIEND DAVID HAS HIS ID STOLEN.
NOW HE’S JUST DAV.
THE BEST PINE TREE
IS A MATTER OF A PINYON
MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION WAS TO READ MORE
SO I ENABLED THE SUBTITLES ON MY TV
I HAVE A FEAR OF OVER ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
IT’S A COMPLEX COMPLEX COMPLEX.
FIRED GUILLOTINE OPERATOR SUES EMPLOYER.
WINS SEVERANCE PACKAGE
BURY ME WITH MY OLD RECORDS.
IT WILL BE MY VINYL RESTING PLACE.
IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX BROKEN HINGES.
MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.
SOMEONE STOLE MY LIMBO STICK.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO.
ODORLESS CHEMICALS
MAKE NO SCENTS
TO THE THIEF WHO STOLE MY GLASSES…
I WILL FIND YOU, I HAVE CONTACTS.
I WANTED TO BE A MONK
BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANTS
IF A COW DOESN’T PRODUCE MILK
IS IT A MILK DUD OR AN UDDER FAILURE?
CHIROPRACTOR ARRESTED FOR BACK TAXES
MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY IS IN FORECLOSURE
A STUDY ON THE EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON SEA BIRDS
LEAVES NO TERN UNSTONED
I LIKED THE FARMERS DAUGHTER
BUT I COULD NOT A TRACTOR.
I SPOTTED AN ALBINO DALMATIAN YESTERDAY.
IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.
IF YOU BOYFRIEND DOES NOT LIKE FRESH FRUIT.
JUST LET THAT MANGO
IN HIGH SCHOOL. ROBERT E LEE
WAS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE.
I WAS TOLD NOT TO STEAL KITCHEN UTENSILS.
IT’S A WHISK I’M WILLING TO TAKE.
WHEN YOU TEACH A WOLF TO MEDITATE
DO THEY BECOMES AWARE WOLF.
MY CHILD WANTS TO STUDY BURROWING RODENTS.
I TOLD HIM TO GOPHER IT.
EUCALYPTUS. THE PLANTS NAMED AFTER
WHAT THEY WOULD SAY IF YOU PRUNED THEN
VICKS VAPOR RUB TRUCK OVERTURNS ON LA FREEWAY.
THERE WAS NO CONGESTION FOR 8 HOURS
NEVER MAKE SNOW ANGELS
IN A DOG PARK
A BIKE IN TOWN KEEPS RUNNING ME OVER.
IT”S A VICIOUS CYCLE.
I’M TERRIFIED OF ELEVATORS
AND I’M TAKING STEPS TO AVOID THEM
AM I GETTING OLDER OR IS THE SUPERMARKET
FINALLY PLAYING GREAT MUSIC?
LEGO STORE RE-OPENS AFTER LOCK DOWN.
FOLKS WERE LINED UP FOR BLOCKS.
IF YOU ARE STILL BUYING SMART WATER FOR $10 A BOTTLE…..
IT’S NOT WORKING
IF YOU DRINK A 5TH ON THE 4TH
YOU MIGHT NOT LIVE
TO GO FORTH ON THE FIFTH.
I GOT A NEW JOB AS A GUILLOTINE OPERATOR.
I’LL BEHEADING THERE SHORTLY.
I AM ADDICTED TO SEAWEED.
BUT I’M SEEKING KELP.
I WRITE SONGS ABOUT SEWING MACHINES.
I’M A SINGER SONG WRITER.
I HATE PEER PRESSURE,
AND SO SHOULD YOU YOU.
BEFORE MOUNT RUSH-MORE WAS CARVED.
IT’S BEAUTY WAS UNPRECEDENTED.
NEVER RUN WITH BAGPIPES,
YOU MIGHT GET KILT
NEVER IRON A FOUR LEAF CLOVER
YOU DON’T WANT TO PRESS YOUR LUCK.
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
MAN DIES AFTER FALLING INTO A VAT OF HOT COFFEE.
AUTHORITIES SAY HIS DEATH WAS INSTANT
PLASTIC SURGERY ANONYMOUS TONIGHT.
HOPE WE DON’T SEE ANY NEW FACES.
I INGESTED SOME SCRABBLE TILES.
MY NEXT BATHROOM TRIP COULD SPELL DISASTER.
A BUILDING HAD ONLY 1 OFFICE LEFT.
IT WAS LAST BUT NOT LEASED.
WHEN ALGEBRA TEACHERS RETIRE
HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE AFTERMATH?
WHEN I WEAR GLASSES TO MATH CLASS.
IT IMPROVES MY DIVISION.
THE TURKEY CROSSED THE TABLE
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDES.
THE LAST THING FLAT-EARTH-ERS HAVE TO FEAR
IS SPHERE ITSELF.
I for 1 LIKE ROMAN NUMERALS.
I WENT TO A CONCERT FOR 45 CENTS
IT FEATURED 50 CENTS and NICKLEBACK
MY BOSS WANTS TO SIGN ME UP FOR A 401K
NO WAY I’M RUNNING THAT FAR.
A STUDY FOUND THAT 3.14% OF ALL SAILORS
ARE ACTUALLY PIRATES
I POURED MY ROOT BEER INTO A SQUARE CUP,
Now I jUST HAVE BEER
DON’T LET ANYONE CALL YOU AVERAGE.
THATS JUST MEAN
PUNS MAKE ME NUMB
BUT MATH PUNS MAKE ME NUMBER
A COSMETOLOGY STUDENT MISSED CLASS.
THEY WERE FORCED TO MAKE UP A MAKEUP TEST.
DISBARRED LAWYER FINDS NEW WORK AS A SUE CHEF.
BREAK-IN AT THE APPLE STORE.
POLICE LOOKING FOR AN i WITNESSES
IF YOU HATE SPEEDING TICKETS
RAISE YOUR RIGHT FOOT.
OPTOMETRISTS LIVE LONGER
BECAUSE THEY DILATE
Will PEOPLE BUY GLASS COFFINS?
IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
ALASKAN EYE DOCTORS
ARE OPTICAL ALEUTIANS
I PREFER MY KALE WITH A SILENT K
I SAW A BAGUETTE AT THE ZOO
IT WAS BREAD IN THE WILD
I SHOT A MAN WITH A PAINTBALL GUN
JUST TO WATCH HIM DYE.
BUFFALO CHIPS ARE AN ENDANGERED FECES
I SUED THE AIRLINE FOR LOSING MY LUGGAGE.
I LOST MY CASE
TO THE THIEF WHO STOLE MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS
I HOPE YOU ARE ARE HAPPY
THE LAST THING I NEED
IS A BURIAL PLOT.
ORION’S BELT IS A HUGE WAIST OF SPACE.
THIS PUN GOT ONLY 3 STARS.
SOMEONE STOLE MY
STRATEGIC CONQUEST BOARD GAME.
THEY MUST BE A RISK TAKER.
I LOOKED UP OPAQUE.
THE DEFINITION WASN’T VERY CLEAR.
MY FRIEND DAVID HAS HIS ID STOLEN.
NOW HE’S JUST DAV.
THE BEST PINE TREE
IS A MATTER OF A PINYON
MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION WAS TO READ MORE
SO I ENABLED THE SUBTITLES ON MY TV
I HAVE A FEAR OF OVER ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
IT’S A COMPLEX COMPLEX COMPLEX.
FIRED GUILLOTINE OPERATOR SUES EMPLOYER.
WINS SEVERANCE PACKAGE
BURY ME WITH MY OLD RECORDS.
IT WILL BE MY VINYL RESTING PLACE.
IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX BROKEN HINGES.
MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.
SOMEONE STOLE MY LIMBO STICK.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO.
ODORLESS CHEMICALS
MAKE NO SCENTS
TO THE THIEF WHO STOLE MY GLASSES…
I WILL FIND YOU, I HAVE CONTACTS.
I WANTED TO BE A MONK
BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANTS
IF A COW DOESN’T PRODUCE MILK
IS IT A MILK DUD OR AN UDDER FAILURE?
CHIROPRACTOR ARRESTED FOR BACK TAXES
MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY IS IN FORECLOSURE
A STUDY ON THE EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON SEA BIRDS
LEAVES NO TERN UNSTONED
I LIKED THE FARMERS DAUGHTER
BUT I COULD NOT A TRACTOR.
I SPOTTED AN ALBINO DALMATIAN YESTERDAY.
IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.
IF YOU BOYFRIEND DOES NOT LIKE FRESH FRUIT.
JUST LET THAT MANGO
IN HIGH SCHOOL. ROBERT E LEE
WAS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SECEDE.
I WAS TOLD NOT TO STEAL KITCHEN UTENSILS.
IT’S A WHISK I’M WILLING TO TAKE.
WHEN YOU TEACH A WOLF TO MEDITATE
DO THEY BECOMES AWARE WOLF.
MY CHILD WANTS TO STUDY BURROWING RODENTS.
I TOLD HIM TO GOPHER IT.
EUCALYPTUS. THE PLANTS NAMED AFTER
WHAT THEY WOULD SAY IF YOU PRUNED THEN
VICKS VAPOR RUB TRUCK OVERTURNS ON LA FREEWAY.
THERE WAS NO CONGESTION FOR 8 HOURS
NEVER MAKE SNOW ANGELS
IN A DOG PARK
A BIKE IN TOWN KEEPS RUNNING ME OVER.
IT”S A VICIOUS CYCLE.
I’M TERRIFIED OF ELEVATORS
AND I’M TAKING STEPS TO AVOID THEM
AM I GETTING OLDER OR IS THE SUPERMARKET
FINALLY PLAYING GREAT MUSIC?
LEGO STORE RE-OPENS AFTER LOCK DOWN.
FOLKS WERE LINED UP FOR BLOCKS.
IF YOU ARE STILL BUYING SMART WATER FOR $10 A BOTTLE…..
IT’S NOT WORKING
IF YOU DRINK A 5TH ON THE 4TH
YOU MIGHT NOT LIVE
TO GO FORTH ON THE FIFTH.
I GOT A NEW JOB AS A GUILLOTINE OPERATOR.
I’LL BEHEADING THERE SHORTLY.
I AM ADDICTED TO SEAWEED.
BUT I’M SEEKING KELP.
I WRITE SONGS ABOUT SEWING MACHINES.
I’M A SINGER SONG WRITER.
I HATE PEER PRESSURE,
AND SO SHOULD YOU YOU.
BEFORE MOUNT RUSH-MORE WAS CARVED.
IT’S BEAUTY WAS UNPRECEDENTED.
NEVER RUN WITH BAGPIPES,
YOU MIGHT GET KILT
NEVER IRON A FOUR LEAF CLOVER
YOU DON’T WANT TO PRESS YOUR LUCK.
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
MAN DIES AFTER FALLING INTO A VAT OF HOT COFFEE.
AUTHORITIES SAY HIS DEATH WAS INSTANT
PLASTIC SURGERY ANONYMOUS TONIGHT.
HOPE WE DON’T SEE ANY NEW FACES.
I INGESTED SOME SCRABBLE TILES.
MY NEXT BATHROOM TRIP COULD SPELL DISASTER.
A BUILDING HAD ONLY 1 OFFICE LEFT.
IT WAS LAST BUT NOT LEASED.